That is incredibly interesting! Because right now, I (as a woman) am having very similar thoughts, especially about my male friends. Some of them have veered in an anti-woke direction, which means we argue as soon as things get political. But we also both frequently and willingly stay silent on exactly these topics, because we already consider the friendship fragile enough as it is, yet it still means a lot to us. Also because we are witnesses to each other’s lives. It means something to me that these friends still knew my grandmother or the house where I grew up.Our arguments have meant that there is rarely a silent discomfort, because we had to hash it out and, at certain points of incompatibility, repeatedly choose for or against the friendship. In the process, we have partly learned to clearly name our despair over what we mutually consider crazy—namely, each other's political alignment. It helps at times, but sometimes you also just need a break. But no, if we were to meet for the first time today, these would—probably on both sides—be dealbreakers.
The realizations expressed in the essay resonate well with my experience. There's also a corollary: people who you ignored or kept at a distance when you were a teenager or in college, perhaps because you were too immature, that now you wish you had made a greater effort to befriend. Thirty years later they meet all your standards for compatible interests, ethics, politics, etc., but have little interest in suddenly becoming friends with someone who dissed them so long ago. Sad, but c'est la vie.
I feel this is mostly about growing as a person who’s able to evolve in a healthy way. As someone who grew up in a generationally repressed and codependent family it’s taken me decades of work to even start to feel like my own person creating a life that meets my needs and beliefs.
Part of that has been untangling myself from people in my past that I didn’t choose: family, family friends, and childhood friends. These people were in my life because of proximity—the people I’m related to, the people my parents chose as their friends (and by extension their children), the kids in my neighborhood, kids I went to school with.
I’ve gone through the painful process of examining them as they are now and have realized that almost none of them are people I want or need in my life. Many of them are decent human beings that I just don’t have much in common with. Others have such toxic traits I just can’t/won’t tolerate so I’ve been quiet quitting those relationships. The thing I find funny is that almost all of these “relationships” have been so dependent on ME reaching out to THEM that the other person barely notices that I’m not doing it anymore. So I realize (sadly) I probably valued our relationship more than they ever did. Oh well.
The same is true for people from my 20s, when I moved to NYC after art school and was all into the LES music/art scene—though I now understand most of those relationships weren’t actual friendships, they were more like trauma bonds.
As a late Dx AuDHDer recovering from 6 years of burnout I feel like I’m finally learning how to be friends with people. And, understanding that I have limited energy for socializing means I need to be more intentional with who I spend time with, and most people, unfortunately, don’t make the cut—tho to be fair I’m sure it’s mostly mutual as I hate small talk and prefer to talk about bigger, deeper things. Many people are flummoxed by that.
So it is hard! No doubt about it. But I’d rather stick to my values and be lonely by myself than be lonely surrounded by people whose values I find odious. I’d rather have a few people I can be my authentic self with than a circle of friends I have to mask around to be liked. Especially now, with how much our world is changing for the worse, I need to double down on my values and live the rest of my time by them. Maybe that’s an opinion caused by aging, by pain, by evolving as a human being. Maybe it’s because I see things others don’t and know that for way too many people morals are a constantly moving target that doesn’t usually drive behavior. Either way I feel like I don’t have a choice anymore; like you said, life is too short to waste time with people I don’t like and people I don’t feel safe around.
I was just pondering this a few days ago. My curiosity got me thinking. Could it be that the “persona” I was wearing and the “persona” the other was wearing were closer in resemblance decades back? Now that time has passed and the layers of the onion have been peeled back, what we were underneath was very different? Or maybe I grew and the other stood still? Or perhaps, now, with time and experience what I tolerated before I now see where it leads and no longer can? I have gone thru this “break-up” myself, and at least now, I realize it doesn’t need to be a dramatic severing. And part of the responsibility is mine. I have accepted it for so long thinking it would change, and then realize doing the same thing and expecting a different result is indeed my own crazy.
It is even harder when the realisation involves your family; learning how to navigate the tired old tropes and behaviours while keeping them in your life is like walking a tightrope covered in glass shards at times. The option to cut them out of your life completely has widespread ramifications that are equally hard to bear.
I was 50 when I realised my column headings were wrong: some ‘friends’ should have been ‘acquaintances’ and vice versa. Having made this simple correction, all is well
I woke up last night thinking of truly intimate lost friendships and why I finally ended them (or was cancelled by the other) and I realized that some friendships,
particularly with women dependent on their man’s wealth, are often subject to pleasing their partner as well as the friend. And one friend in particular held different concepts of permissible behavior from herself and another tended to gang up on me when I was at my most vulnerable. In both cases I really did my best to remedy but finally had to go no contact down to blocking them. It still hurts terribly but sometimes it is standards re personal dignity and self determination and sometimes it is merely asking for the grace that you give them whether they are doing what you require for yourself. Very old friends with different political leanings I just distance myself from in hopes that they evolve. I still send birthday greetings but don’t seek to get together. I find new friends that don’t compromise my ethics from unexpected sources. I still miss my old besties but sometimes you get pushed over the edge of return. Money issues are also a problem if they have much and you simply don’t. It is so hard and can be so hurtful. Thank you for those say- it is so comforting to know that I am not alone.
I really like that, as it prompts me to reflect on my lifelong friendships. I think I started distinguishing between "real" friendships and those acquaintanceships—the kind you simply have because they’ve always just been there—sometime after turning thirty. But I agree: after the age of fifty, it reached a whole new level; I no longer want to spend time with people I don’t like or simply dwell on memories from twenty-five years ago. Of course, there are those friends you barely speak to for years until you suddenly grow close again. Still, life is too short to spend my time (except for professional reasons) with people I don’t like.
Lyle this is so beautifully written. And it’s made me think about a friendship from elementary school that I reconnected with via FB. Over time it became clear that our political beliefs were so opposite that the connection was not sustainable. Your thoughts have afforded me a measure of relief over the end of that relationship.
This applies to tastes, as well. I've had phases of really enjoying Bruce Springsteen. Good that he supported Minnesota, right?
In this Epstein age tell me why during all the years gone by, I hummed and enjoyed "I'm On Fire"?
Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?
Did he go away and leave you all alone?
I got a bad desire
Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire
Tell me now, baby, is he good to you?
And can he do to you the things that I do?
Oh no, I can take you higher Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire
...Only you can cool my desire
What is this if not the language of grooming set to a compelling musical track?
We are all immersed in the constricting language and endless free passes of patriarchy. Whether regarding family, friends or strangers and their language, actions and art, we've got work to do in more intentionally looking at how they -- and we -- move through this world we all share.
That is incredibly interesting! Because right now, I (as a woman) am having very similar thoughts, especially about my male friends. Some of them have veered in an anti-woke direction, which means we argue as soon as things get political. But we also both frequently and willingly stay silent on exactly these topics, because we already consider the friendship fragile enough as it is, yet it still means a lot to us. Also because we are witnesses to each other’s lives. It means something to me that these friends still knew my grandmother or the house where I grew up.Our arguments have meant that there is rarely a silent discomfort, because we had to hash it out and, at certain points of incompatibility, repeatedly choose for or against the friendship. In the process, we have partly learned to clearly name our despair over what we mutually consider crazy—namely, each other's political alignment. It helps at times, but sometimes you also just need a break. But no, if we were to meet for the first time today, these would—probably on both sides—be dealbreakers.
The realizations expressed in the essay resonate well with my experience. There's also a corollary: people who you ignored or kept at a distance when you were a teenager or in college, perhaps because you were too immature, that now you wish you had made a greater effort to befriend. Thirty years later they meet all your standards for compatible interests, ethics, politics, etc., but have little interest in suddenly becoming friends with someone who dissed them so long ago. Sad, but c'est la vie.
I feel this is mostly about growing as a person who’s able to evolve in a healthy way. As someone who grew up in a generationally repressed and codependent family it’s taken me decades of work to even start to feel like my own person creating a life that meets my needs and beliefs.
Part of that has been untangling myself from people in my past that I didn’t choose: family, family friends, and childhood friends. These people were in my life because of proximity—the people I’m related to, the people my parents chose as their friends (and by extension their children), the kids in my neighborhood, kids I went to school with.
I’ve gone through the painful process of examining them as they are now and have realized that almost none of them are people I want or need in my life. Many of them are decent human beings that I just don’t have much in common with. Others have such toxic traits I just can’t/won’t tolerate so I’ve been quiet quitting those relationships. The thing I find funny is that almost all of these “relationships” have been so dependent on ME reaching out to THEM that the other person barely notices that I’m not doing it anymore. So I realize (sadly) I probably valued our relationship more than they ever did. Oh well.
The same is true for people from my 20s, when I moved to NYC after art school and was all into the LES music/art scene—though I now understand most of those relationships weren’t actual friendships, they were more like trauma bonds.
As a late Dx AuDHDer recovering from 6 years of burnout I feel like I’m finally learning how to be friends with people. And, understanding that I have limited energy for socializing means I need to be more intentional with who I spend time with, and most people, unfortunately, don’t make the cut—tho to be fair I’m sure it’s mostly mutual as I hate small talk and prefer to talk about bigger, deeper things. Many people are flummoxed by that.
So it is hard! No doubt about it. But I’d rather stick to my values and be lonely by myself than be lonely surrounded by people whose values I find odious. I’d rather have a few people I can be my authentic self with than a circle of friends I have to mask around to be liked. Especially now, with how much our world is changing for the worse, I need to double down on my values and live the rest of my time by them. Maybe that’s an opinion caused by aging, by pain, by evolving as a human being. Maybe it’s because I see things others don’t and know that for way too many people morals are a constantly moving target that doesn’t usually drive behavior. Either way I feel like I don’t have a choice anymore; like you said, life is too short to waste time with people I don’t like and people I don’t feel safe around.
Best to you.
I was just pondering this a few days ago. My curiosity got me thinking. Could it be that the “persona” I was wearing and the “persona” the other was wearing were closer in resemblance decades back? Now that time has passed and the layers of the onion have been peeled back, what we were underneath was very different? Or maybe I grew and the other stood still? Or perhaps, now, with time and experience what I tolerated before I now see where it leads and no longer can? I have gone thru this “break-up” myself, and at least now, I realize it doesn’t need to be a dramatic severing. And part of the responsibility is mine. I have accepted it for so long thinking it would change, and then realize doing the same thing and expecting a different result is indeed my own crazy.
It is even harder when the realisation involves your family; learning how to navigate the tired old tropes and behaviours while keeping them in your life is like walking a tightrope covered in glass shards at times. The option to cut them out of your life completely has widespread ramifications that are equally hard to bear.
This brilliant analysis helps explain something "off" in my life that was previously unformed.
I was 50 when I realised my column headings were wrong: some ‘friends’ should have been ‘acquaintances’ and vice versa. Having made this simple correction, all is well
I woke up last night thinking of truly intimate lost friendships and why I finally ended them (or was cancelled by the other) and I realized that some friendships,
particularly with women dependent on their man’s wealth, are often subject to pleasing their partner as well as the friend. And one friend in particular held different concepts of permissible behavior from herself and another tended to gang up on me when I was at my most vulnerable. In both cases I really did my best to remedy but finally had to go no contact down to blocking them. It still hurts terribly but sometimes it is standards re personal dignity and self determination and sometimes it is merely asking for the grace that you give them whether they are doing what you require for yourself. Very old friends with different political leanings I just distance myself from in hopes that they evolve. I still send birthday greetings but don’t seek to get together. I find new friends that don’t compromise my ethics from unexpected sources. I still miss my old besties but sometimes you get pushed over the edge of return. Money issues are also a problem if they have much and you simply don’t. It is so hard and can be so hurtful. Thank you for those say- it is so comforting to know that I am not alone.
I really like that, as it prompts me to reflect on my lifelong friendships. I think I started distinguishing between "real" friendships and those acquaintanceships—the kind you simply have because they’ve always just been there—sometime after turning thirty. But I agree: after the age of fifty, it reached a whole new level; I no longer want to spend time with people I don’t like or simply dwell on memories from twenty-five years ago. Of course, there are those friends you barely speak to for years until you suddenly grow close again. Still, life is too short to spend my time (except for professional reasons) with people I don’t like.
Lyle this is so beautifully written. And it’s made me think about a friendship from elementary school that I reconnected with via FB. Over time it became clear that our political beliefs were so opposite that the connection was not sustainable. Your thoughts have afforded me a measure of relief over the end of that relationship.
Super relatable in my current midlife. Thanks for articulating so clearly!
More deep thought and brilliance from you. Your work is deeply refreshing.
Cant tell you how much this resonates with me… brilliant and important piece of writing
This applies to tastes, as well. I've had phases of really enjoying Bruce Springsteen. Good that he supported Minnesota, right?
In this Epstein age tell me why during all the years gone by, I hummed and enjoyed "I'm On Fire"?
Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?
Did he go away and leave you all alone?
I got a bad desire
Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire
Tell me now, baby, is he good to you?
And can he do to you the things that I do?
Oh no, I can take you higher Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire
...Only you can cool my desire
What is this if not the language of grooming set to a compelling musical track?
We are all immersed in the constricting language and endless free passes of patriarchy. Whether regarding family, friends or strangers and their language, actions and art, we've got work to do in more intentionally looking at how they -- and we -- move through this world we all share.
So so true. I truly relate to this concept